I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
