youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
