____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Quick, to the slutcave!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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