Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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