kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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