Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
