My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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