Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
