I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
