i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
