as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
