Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
