you're like a bully in the Christmas story
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
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