i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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