Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize