i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
this boner is exhausting
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize