It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
