I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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