you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
