Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
