my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
