seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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