Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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