Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
