my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
