apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
