Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
