She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
