I heard we made out
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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