Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I am never drinking with the goths again.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
