listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
