last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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