I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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