Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
