Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
