I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
