I will die if light touches me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
