smell my finger.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
