You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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