i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
