It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
