and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
