she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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