Got a toothbrush?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize