Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
