cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
