my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
