Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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