My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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