At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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