Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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