i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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