apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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