i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
