he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We left the knife in your bed.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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