You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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