I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
