I heard we made out
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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