why do cheetos always look like penises
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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