When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
