Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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